to be honest i didn't even think about writing today and because I really haven't done that much lately there isn't a reason for me to write. but then i decided that seeing as i want people to realize that i haven't disappeared i am writing.
- ive been finalizing my christmas shopping and getting things organized for when i skip the country.
in any case i haven't really thought about leaving- it hasn't hit me that i will be sitting on the beach for a whole week soaking in the rays and reading my life away.
it'll be so nice.
i had a dinner party two nights ago- friends from school. we celebrated the end of term and releasing the stress that was built up from the last two weeks from school. I drank, they drank, we all drank except anny. but we dont hold it against her.
we gossiped like little girls and watched sex and the city.
i went out yesterday with my old friend stephanie. we went around town looking for some tights and some other christmas gifts. we talked and it was refreshing knowing that some people are going through the same things i am. In any case yesterday was a nice day. I watched a film that i haven't scene in a while so i was caught up with the remenising part of my week.
then today i went out with phil to do some shopping in his part.
after all that some we got food and a movie.
right now im watching video on trail the holiday crap special.
god i love Debra Didigiavonni or what ever her name is.
she is love an makes me laugh out loud. which kinda makes me look like a crazy person. but you know how that story ends.
famous author or painter, i hope.
have a nice evening.
wear your mukalucks!

i man came up to me and max on friday night as we were waiting for a bus. a homeless man im sure.
he said that his nipples were so hard because of the cold. he said he could cut glass with them. he also said that he would wish a girl could do that. at first i thought it was funny/ but now i think it's kind of sad.
im not in a good mood.
i did all the christmas decorations by myself.
we have a tiny tree.
i think it fits right with the setting.
i won't care what people say about it. its my tree.
im watching a movie on out tv right now. about two men being in a couple in the 70s.
they were so in love, rolling around in the leaves and making love all the time. the younger man is having an affaire. he always has some where to be. time to think he says.
he just walked in late/ the nice man was waiting in the bed for him. the cheater said he thought he would be asleep. he told him he would rather take a he had taken a pill.
this movie is hard to handle, to understand that there are the same problems that there were back then now.
a rut they called it.

billie holiday came on at work tonight.
i looked at emma and said- if i were to die i would want her to be playing.
she said that would be a good way to go.

i keep on having panic attacks. small ones. nothing to crazy. i keep on having these thought of me not being here. that one day we all won't. i know its apart of the contract with life. but i don't want to accept it.
i understand that a life is long and that we are suppose to live it to the fullest.
i try. i try to much. but i can't understand what is the fullest. what is the limit. are we ever going to be able to understand that finally we have accomplished what we were put here for.
what is the deal in which we need to get through,
and most importantly was it enough.
i can't help but wonder if the life i'm living is the actual life that im suppose to live. are we suppose to be up at 7 , work at 9, finish at 5, eat three meals a day and possibly talk a conversation that actually makes sense. what is it really. i wish there was this book that explained the answers that i keep going over in my mind all the itme. here you go- finally this is it....are you ready. .... ... ..... and there you go .. [complete]
\
my eyes are heavy, i feel that the only way to understand whats going on around you is to dream. im sure ive said that before. but i honestly do mean it. i do think that dreams are reality. i think that when we die, we are in a state of dreaming. the best dream that you ever had will keep playing on forever. and that's it.
i can't solve all the problems in 15mins. im sure one day some one some day will.
i'll hold onto my purple sweater. it helps me cope.

when do you know, that you dont know anymore, and that all there is to see is grey. grey happens to be my favorite color but despite that it seems it is against me. I feel weird
this mood is not me.
i dont know/
dreams make me feel like reality is actually the dream and that the day we live is the task to get back to sleep.
i feel sad for those who can't sleep.
i'm going to bed.

montreal city seems to be getting colder and colder by the second. I'm not talking weather wise but people wise. Were is the love.? I uderstand that the end of the semester is here and that people are rushing around to get shit in and done. but in any case a nice smile or a wink is always nice to see.
on another hand i must must get my gear in full speed because i have three or four more things to get done, my huge projects are all out of the way now its a water color thing, a computer thing and an english essay all do next week.
my goal is to get almost everything out of the way this weekend after work because i need sleep and no stress during the weekend.
i also have to get alot of my christmas shopping done. I have some gifts that I have finished but i still need to get some of those last minute things.
ALSO I NEED TO DECORATE my house! fucking school. I dont have the time to do anything fun anymore.
why did i take such an intense course.
on a lighter note i feel good. and thats all what matters
I hope all of you are okay and here a reminder that SCHOOL IS ALMOST DONE...fornow!
bises!

so here I am sitting outside on my back step. That is right folks I am locked outside and where are my keys I tell you... They are inside where it is nice and warm and here I am freezing my ass off litterally. I can't even tell you how much I have to go the wash room right now or that my battery for my iPod is running low. This is actually how I am writing to you as of this minute. Man do I ever feel like a bum my neighbour just let out gustave the tabby cat abd he is looking at me as if I am an animal actually I don't know where he went because the light from my iPod isn't t
As strong as a flash light.what a waste of time. M is comming to unlock the door however I am disturbing him from his study time in any case both he and gustave will be rewarded if they do not attact me . God help.

it seems like forever that i haven't posted, therefore a post is well deserved. In light of how crazy this time is, im sure everyone is stressed out, and have things up the ying yang, however i hope that you are taking the time to enjoy the scene and taking Polaroid's with your mind. I've been very busy with school and work and im sorry that i haven't called or written in forever, I'm here, just out.
Ive been staying at school after class pretty much every night working on projects and finishing up things before the end. however my apt has never been more clean and nice to sit in. I always say that i want carries apt from sex and the city pre movie. her eclectic of knacks around are so well put together. but in any case i wouldnt trade my apt for anything.
im tired and spacy. i feel as though i need to rest, not sleep but just lay down and close my eyes.
i think it would help.
i hope you are all doing fab.

i like my black knit sweater that i am presently wearing, it isnt mine but i'd like to think that it is.
this weekends weather was quite beautiful, a little cold but none the less sunny and promising. although the list of things is getting longer my the minute i find myself in limbo at this moment. I dont really care because i always get it done. i wonder when it will be the day that i wont be able to accomplish it.
im feeling alot better. and more energized.
my dreams last night were werid, old house, new rings, a prince and a proposal.?? i dont have a clue
i need to buy a lottery ticket!

back home in montreal, i walked off into the streets and felt the glow of the city lights, it was a nice welcome, after about two weeks of feeling like a bloated goat I am back to normal. knock on wood. i went to alexandria, had a doctors appointment. but in reality i think i needed to get away. so this mini break was well worth the 40$. I got an explanation, a warm bed with fleece sheets, christmas decorations and a container of meatballs. it was nice.
but now its back to school to work and to a hopefully less stressful week. in anycase
lets just leave at it like that for now.
im going to sleep and maybe watch a lil S&TC. i mean how much can a boy have.
not enough ;)

so this yogurt and juice better make me feel better, im about to tear by lower half OUT!
please go away.
im in no mood- homework and homework
and stress
and maybe doctors appointments.
please not now.
please

everyones knows that i love a good tuesday morning, merely because i get to sleep in with my M and get to eat a healthy breakfast and swallow a gallon of coffee before i settle into school for my water painting class and fitness class. tuesdays if only there was a song dedicated to this great morning i think it would make it even more perfect,
my cup is on the window sill and im eating a beagle with garlic and herb cream cheese.
Im starting to come up with ideas as to what i will be getting people for christmas. speaking of i get a weird churning feeling in the pit of my stomach because i know it'll be a hassle with getting the time off work in order to get home for the holidays.
in any case ill be sitting on Cuba's beach sooner than i know it.
im excited for this trip for many reasons
A) first one in a long time,
B) PLANE
C) Sunshine and OCEAN
D) i'll be able to read all those books that ive been putting aside for so long!!!!
i cant wait!!!!!

i am i sitting quietly in my living room, my upstairs neighbor is blasting, Abba's money money money in a rich mans world.
i find this to be amusing

its raining.
its one of those sleep in days, where the world just seems slow and still
and nothing matters but the warm blankets on your bed.
i wasnt feeling well yesterday and had to cancel my plans. i felt bad but i know that i would have been
a pain in the ass, complaining about how tired i was. so i scurried back home, threw on my pjs
and ate a little something and went to bed at 7. i dont remember the last time i went to bed at 7. probably when i was sick with the flu, i could barley open my eyes yesterday but i toughed it out and went to my three class's and knew that the day would some time end.
finally i feel a little tired but nothing compared to yesterday.
i would like a mountain of breakfast food right now.before i head off to work.
2-830 not so pleasant, but its raining so it'll be quite.

ive been wasting my time looking at countless amounts of sex and the city and im not ashamed of it. I know that I have a hundred things to get done. But my heart is set in it. I just like escaping into it. and besides its only 30mins of sitting down. I know thats not alot. But i think that its okay for me to sit and enjoy what I like so much. In any case i just want to point out to everyone that you should do what you like when you like it. i dont want to do it any more. No more school for me. Please take me out of this school and take me to the ocean and let me swim and cry and dry in the sand.
i dont want to move.
i dont want to stand.
I dont want to creative for nothing.
please please please
this is a phase im well aware just let me rant goddamit.

waking is is probably the hardest thing i do in the morning. its so repetitive and aggressive. Crazy alarm clock, arms all stiff, coffee machine didnt pour my drink of life. BUT i feel good today.
I dont know if its the weather, or lack of. But i think today will be a good one.
I have my week planed out- from mon to sun. time slotted for homework, hangouts and all the rest.
yes i think it will be a great day.
its semi sunny, which is nice, considering i have to walk to the metro.
the laundry is done and now my clothes all smell like home and momish.
i hope you all have a nice day.
do some yoga poses, it'll make you feel better~!
xoxo

its already a new month and i can't wait until its over. I have a million and ones things to do, and I don't know how on earth i am going to accomplish these tasks, of course i will, seeing as i am a fierce child. but it'll be hard.
In any case these weekend was quite nice, work, which was well work, and then home with max which always nice.
I woke up super on time to get to work, how ever i forgot about the time change so it turns out i was there an hour early with nothing to do but read the same teen vogue, a hundred times. I swear if they put rachel bilson on the cover one more time i will no longer be a fan/.Im sick and tired of seeing the same old shit in that magazine. I mean it is hard to give a teen audience a little bit of fashion, beauty and informative articles without imposing the same old fucked up Celebes all the time. I love seeing, new models and new trends, new music and new ideas once and awhile, common TVOGUE give me a little variety. I only look forward to the Eva Chen articles, because lets face it she rocks the beauty socks off of any stylist. Plus I know that if we were friends she would end up giving me all the products she doesn't want. And were talking bucket loads.
I have a new screen saver. It's Mary Kate Olsen wearing a fab outfit of crop jeans and a tucked in black shirt, a pair of aviators and two Venti Starbucks cups in her hand.
Its nice.
enough about this. I have to get things in order. Like what the hell am I going to do about christmas vacation and how on earth am I going to get all this time off work. I hope he likes me a little more than usual seeing as I am asking for a little. I know I know, BUT ITS CUBA!!!!
i need this sunshine and I need the Ocean.
okay back to homework and all its glory. I have some rice to be eaten and some cake on the side.
xoxo

happy hallows eve!
i really like how lj made it UNDEADJOURNAL ahahahah i laughed.
but in any manner today i was suppose to have class at 830 all the way till 445. but first class was cancelled and now here i am sitting in my bright and sunny living room and drinking the strongest coffee ive ever made.
life is good right now.
i dont think ill be dressing up today, i think however i will put on my huge glasses and pretend to be something. like a spy, and make people wonder who am I?
i think thats a good idea.
im so glad considering that we only have like 5 weeks left of school.
then its christmas hols and and then second semester. this year is going by so so so quickly it just seems like it was monday yesterday.
i had a weird dream that my step mums horse fell off a roof and i looked over and it was everywhere. it was gross, but i couldn't help but wonder, why the hell a horse was on a roof, with no walls to keep it in???
i think this is a symbol for me saying that I am no horse that will be tamed. I need to be free despite the consequence, and in this case....death, which by the way i dont plan on it.
in any case, im conjuring up a storm, i have some ideas that will allow me to be on the creative side more often. I think that will help ease the pain of winter.
ps- im going to cuba
ciao- or however they say it!

sunday is my day. i didn't have to get up while it was still dark, haul myself over to a bus stop and run to get to work on time. no today was a laze around, feel good day. I'm home alone, listening to feel good songs and eating homemade food. macaroni salad to be exact made by Max's grandmum.
i came home to a spotless house yesterday, his mother and grandmum came over and did all the huge fall cleaning. also considering that max is having a family get together next saturday and they didn't want them to see the house as a dump. so everything smells cleans, like Fabreeze and Mr.Clean.
I had a day planned with activities, and homework and baking, but i figured i was to enjoy this lazy time and do nothing but relax and watch tv and surf the net things that i hardly do anymore. ill also try to sneak in some homework time in there somewhere.
its erie how the house is so quite. nothing but the sounds of the fridge, my typing and the little murmur of broken social scene that i have one notch before mute.
i like this.
it makes my mind think. and im presumably happy at this instant.
im going to join a yoga class. there a beautiful studio up my road, that looks over the canal and the mountain.
i think i'll do. i figured since i dont go out and i dont drink nor do i do drugs, i will indulge into something that is good for me. plus the instructors...... we'll just leave it at that.
i feel inspired and i feel it necessary to take up all the seconds of the day with something.
i just received a text from someone saying that Gillette clinical strength deodorant is awesome.
i told them i'll put it on my list.
in any case i'm going to get busy.
i know its a grey day but grey days can be nice. it mutes out the world and allows you to appreciate the colors that you exude.
wear a scarf.

after a long night of studying in the cafe, i got home and after five minutes of just settling in, i was whisked away back down town to the same coffee house with another old friend. it was nice. we had conversations that really expanded my mind and it was just night to listen and take in the interest of another person. i really do like listening. today was a brush by. work and food and tomorrow party and work so so so early. i feel as though i need to sleep for a good 12 hours and then another 12 hours. then i will be refreshed and not have bag underneath my eyes. those dears have to go.
i took a nap tonight right after dinner. when i was falling asleep i was scared that my heart would stop. im guessing its being over tired
non the less it was scary.
ill be fine.
just an 85 $ massage and a day at the spa.
ill feel better.

sitting in starbucks with mj is super nice.
i like these moments alot.
enjoy the cold breeze.

i was pleased with this weekends activities. everything turned out wonderful.
i was glad to get away from the noise and be still for five minutes. the country air is completely different from the city air, more moister and calm. the stars were amazing to see. i missed the way the looked like. im glad i was able to clear my head, and regenerate for the next couple of weeks. Im sure that they will be crazy. i know it.
i was glad to spend time with my mum. she really placed things into perspective for me. my life is reordered and i feel content about it.
i do not remember the last time that i laughed so much. just my mum and my brother laying on the bed and talking about old memories and bringing up the pass. it was nice and a bit emotional. i miss her so much.
coming back to the city was a little weird knowing that my schedule is planned three months in advance.
mj and i are going to see the andy worhol exhibition . i'm excited and my homework is slowly but surley getting accomplished. i think its going to be okay.
i miss you all and be good.