stop looking.

it's right there in front of you.


(no subject)
eriiiic
i man came up to me and max on friday night as we were waiting for a bus. a homeless man im sure.
he said that his nipples were so hard because of the cold. he said he could cut glass with them. he also said that he would wish a girl could do that. at first i thought it was funny/ but now i think it's kind of sad.
im not in a good mood.
i did all the christmas decorations by myself.
we have a tiny tree.
i think it fits right with the setting.
i won't care what people say about it. its my tree.
im watching a movie on out tv right now. about two men being in a couple in the 70s.
they were so in love, rolling around in the leaves and making love all the time. the younger man is having an affaire. he always has some where to be. time to think he says.
he just walked in late/ the nice man was waiting in the bed for him. the cheater said he thought he would be asleep. he told him he would rather take a he had taken a pill.
this movie is hard to handle, to understand that there are the same problems that there were back then now.
a rut they called it.

billie holiday came on at work tonight.
i looked at emma and said- if i were to die i would want her to be playing.
she said that would be a good way to go.

i keep on having panic attacks. small ones. nothing to crazy. i keep on having these thought of me not being here. that one day we all won't. i know its apart of the contract with life. but i don't want to accept it.
i understand that a life is long and that we are suppose to live it to the fullest.
i try. i try to much. but i can't understand what is the fullest. what is the limit. are we ever going to be able to understand that finally we have accomplished what we were put here for.
what is the deal in which we need to get through,
and most importantly was it enough.
i can't help but wonder if the life i'm living is the actual life that im suppose to live. are we suppose to be up at 7 , work at 9, finish at 5, eat three meals a day and possibly talk a conversation that actually makes sense. what is it really. i wish there was this book that explained the answers that i keep going over in my mind all the itme. here you go- finally this is it....are you ready. .... ... ..... and there you go .. [complete]
\
my eyes are heavy, i feel that the only way to understand whats going on around you is to dream. im sure ive said that before. but i honestly do mean it. i do think that dreams are reality. i think that when we die, we are in a state of dreaming. the best dream that you ever had will keep playing on forever. and that's it.
i can't solve all the problems in 15mins. im sure one day some one some day will.
i'll hold onto my purple sweater. it helps me cope.

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