stop looking.

it's right there in front of you.

let it sparkel
to be honest i didn't even think about writing today and because I really haven't done that much lately there isn't a reason for me to write. but then i decided that seeing as i want people to realize that i haven't disappeared i am writing.
- ive been finalizing my christmas shopping and getting things organized for when i skip the country.
in any case i haven't really thought about leaving- it hasn't hit me that i will be sitting on the beach for a whole week soaking in the rays and reading my life away.
it'll be so nice.
i had a dinner party two nights ago- friends from school. we celebrated the end of term and releasing the stress that was built up from the last two weeks from school. I drank, they drank, we all drank except anny. but we dont hold it against her.
we gossiped like little girls and watched sex and the city.
i went out yesterday with my old friend stephanie. we went around town looking for some tights and some other christmas gifts. we talked and it was refreshing knowing that some people are going through the same things i am. In any case yesterday was a nice day. I watched a film that i haven't scene in a while so i was caught up with the remenising part of my week.
then today i went out with phil to do some shopping in his part.
after all that some we got food and a movie.
right now im watching video on trail the holiday crap special.
god i love Debra Didigiavonni or what ever her name is.
she is love an makes me laugh out loud. which kinda makes me look like a crazy person. but you know how that story ends.
famous author or painter, i hope.
have a nice evening.
wear your mukalucks!

(no subject)
i man came up to me and max on friday night as we were waiting for a bus. a homeless man im sure.
he said that his nipples were so hard because of the cold. he said he could cut glass with them. he also said that he would wish a girl could do that. at first i thought it was funny/ but now i think it's kind of sad.
im not in a good mood.
i did all the christmas decorations by myself.
we have a tiny tree.
i think it fits right with the setting.
i won't care what people say about it. its my tree.
im watching a movie on out tv right now. about two men being in a couple in the 70s.
they were so in love, rolling around in the leaves and making love all the time. the younger man is having an affaire. he always has some where to be. time to think he says.
he just walked in late/ the nice man was waiting in the bed for him. the cheater said he thought he would be asleep. he told him he would rather take a he had taken a pill.
this movie is hard to handle, to understand that there are the same problems that there were back then now.
a rut they called it.

billie holiday came on at work tonight.
i looked at emma and said- if i were to die i would want her to be playing.
she said that would be a good way to go.

i keep on having panic attacks. small ones. nothing to crazy. i keep on having these thought of me not being here. that one day we all won't. i know its apart of the contract with life. but i don't want to accept it.
i understand that a life is long and that we are suppose to live it to the fullest.
i try. i try to much. but i can't understand what is the fullest. what is the limit. are we ever going to be able to understand that finally we have accomplished what we were put here for.
what is the deal in which we need to get through,
and most importantly was it enough.
i can't help but wonder if the life i'm living is the actual life that im suppose to live. are we suppose to be up at 7 , work at 9, finish at 5, eat three meals a day and possibly talk a conversation that actually makes sense. what is it really. i wish there was this book that explained the answers that i keep going over in my mind all the itme. here you go- finally this is it....are you ready. .... ... ..... and there you go .. [complete]
my eyes are heavy, i feel that the only way to understand whats going on around you is to dream. im sure ive said that before. but i honestly do mean it. i do think that dreams are reality. i think that when we die, we are in a state of dreaming. the best dream that you ever had will keep playing on forever. and that's it.
i can't solve all the problems in 15mins. im sure one day some one some day will.
i'll hold onto my purple sweater. it helps me cope.

no answers but sleep/>
when do you know, that you dont know anymore, and that all there is to see is grey. grey happens to be my favorite color but despite that it seems it is against me. I feel weird
this mood is not me.
i dont know/
dreams make me feel like reality is actually the dream and that the day we live is the task to get back to sleep.
i feel sad for those who can't sleep.
i'm going to bed.

please be done.
montreal city seems to be getting colder and colder by the second. I'm not talking weather wise but people wise. Were is the love.? I uderstand that the end of the semester is here and that people are rushing around to get shit in and done. but in any case a nice smile or a wink is always nice to see.
on another hand i must must get my gear in full speed because i have three or four more things to get done, my huge projects are all out of the way now its a water color thing, a computer thing and an english essay all do next week.
my goal is to get almost everything out of the way this weekend after work because i need sleep and no stress during the weekend.
i also have to get alot of my christmas shopping done. I have some gifts that I have finished but i still need to get some of those last minute things.
ALSO I NEED TO DECORATE my house! fucking school. I dont have the time to do anything fun anymore.
why did i take such an intense course.
on a lighter note i feel good. and thats all what matters
I hope all of you are okay and here a reminder that SCHOOL IS ALMOST DONE...fornow!

(no subject)
so here I am sitting outside on my back step. That is right folks I am locked outside and where are my keys I tell you... They are inside where it is nice and warm and here I am freezing my ass off litterally. I can't even tell you how much I have to go the wash room right now or that my battery for my iPod is running low. This is actually how I am writing to you as of this minute. Man do I ever feel like a bum my neighbour just let out gustave the tabby cat abd he is looking at me as if I am an animal actually I don't know where he went because the light from my iPod isn't t
As strong as a flash light.what a waste of time. M is comming to unlock the door however I am disturbing him from his study time in any case both he and gustave will be rewarded if they do not attact me . God help.

(no subject)
it seems like forever that i haven't posted, therefore a post is well deserved. In light of how crazy this time is, im sure everyone is stressed out, and have things up the ying yang, however i hope that you are taking the time to enjoy the scene and taking Polaroid's with your mind. I've been very busy with school and work and im sorry that i haven't called or written in forever, I'm here, just out.
Ive been staying at school after class pretty much every night working on projects and finishing up things before the end. however my apt has never been more clean and nice to sit in. I always say that i want carries apt from sex and the city pre movie. her eclectic of knacks around are so well put together. but in any case i wouldnt trade my apt for anything.
im tired and spacy. i feel as though i need to rest, not sleep but just lay down and close my eyes.
i think it would help.
i hope you are all doing fab.

(no subject)
i like my black knit sweater that i am presently wearing, it isnt mine but i'd like to think that it is.
this weekends weather was quite beautiful, a little cold but none the less sunny and promising. although the list of things is getting longer my the minute i find myself in limbo at this moment. I dont really care because i always get it done. i wonder when it will be the day that i wont be able to accomplish it.
im feeling alot better. and more energized.
my dreams last night were werid, old house, new rings, a prince and a proposal.?? i dont have a clue
i need to buy a lottery ticket!

back home in montreal, i walked off into the streets and felt the glow of the city lights, it was a nice welcome, after about two weeks of feeling like a bloated goat I am back to normal. knock on wood. i went to alexandria, had a doctors appointment. but in reality i think i needed to get away. so this mini break was well worth the 40$. I got an explanation, a warm bed with fleece sheets, christmas decorations and a container of meatballs. it was nice.
but now its back to school to work and to a hopefully less stressful week. in anycase
lets just leave at it like that for now.
im going to sleep and maybe watch a lil S&TC. i mean how much can a boy have.
not enough ;)

(no subject)
so this yogurt and juice better make me feel better, im about to tear by lower half OUT!
please go away.
im in no mood- homework and homework
and stress
and maybe doctors appointments.
please not now.

everyones knows that i love a good tuesday morning, merely because i get to sleep in with my M and get to eat a healthy breakfast and swallow a gallon of coffee before i settle into school for my water painting class and fitness class. tuesdays if only there was a song dedicated to this great morning i think it would make it even more perfect,
my cup is on the window sill and im eating a beagle with garlic and herb cream cheese.
Im starting to come up with ideas as to what i will be getting people for christmas. speaking of i get a weird churning feeling in the pit of my stomach because i know it'll be a hassle with getting the time off work in order to get home for the holidays.
in any case ill be sitting on Cuba's beach sooner than i know it.
im excited for this trip for many reasons
A) first one in a long time,
C) Sunshine and OCEAN
D) i'll be able to read all those books that ive been putting aside for so long!!!!
i cant wait!!!!!


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